The Gory Details

Names have been changed for obvious reasons, unless I am speaking well of the person... with one notable exception.

This trip would have totally sucked if it weren't for Harriet our tour guide. She made things interesting and bearable. Our tour guides brother is none other than Adam Woolfitt, well known National Geographic photographer for over 20 years. You can bet your sweet ass I gave her my contact information. Paul our bus driver was hilarious! He looked and sounded like Popeye and wouldn't let me take his picture. It became sort of a game to try and shoot him and I may have actually gotten one or two shots that capture his personality. He also drove as if he were one with the bus... a truly gifted driver indeed!

Apparently we were rather blessed with good weather. The only days we had any noteworthy rainfall were towards the end of the trip. One rainy day when we were on the bus for the most part and one brief but torrential downpour our second day in Edinburgh. Traveling with clergy has its perks.

- Religion
First some background information. This trip was organized by a well known bishop who is rather orthodox in his beliefs and everyone on this trip except us was of a like minded nature. When I say orthodox it's very complicate and I don't understand all of the politics involved but I do know that a common thread is that they are against homosexuality and gay rights. We knew this going in and we thought we were mentally prepared for any preaching that may come our way. We had two bishops on board and several ministers. One of the bishops, the one not in charge of the tour, quoted different comedians including Eddie Izzard and he was one of the few people who was genuinely nice to us beyond politness. His wife was cool too, she knew what Wicca is and has actually seen a UFO.

- Abbeys
We saw lots of ruined abbeys and they were starkly beautiful. Unfortunately we only had about a half an hour at each one which is not enough time to see everything and read all the little placques, let alone photograph them. We did our best though and I think I got some pretty good shots. I made a note of their names to look them up in detail later and some of them are definately worth visiting again. I understand that religion plays a huge part in history, and in this country's history in particular, but where are all the castles? When are we going to see castles?

We stayed at The Dryburgh Abbey Hotel, which reminded me of the show Faulty Towers. We took a walk around the grounds of this hotel and discovered a sign in the woods saying that the grounds were monitored by closed circuit television cameras. They seem to be very fond of cameras in the UK, and I stopped and tried to find where one was hidden in the trees.

The ruined Dryburgh Abbey was right next door and I really liked it as it seemed to be the least touched by the commercialism of the tourist industry, or perhaps it was because it was the first stop on the tour and our defenses hadn't been hammered paper thin yet. Funny how all of these historical places all have gifts shops attached to them all selling identical stuff. After a while though we came to appreciate these gift shops as the only places to stop and get a $4.00 soda. Melrose Abbey is nice too and you can climb the tower. Robert the Bruce's heart is buried here. Jedburgh Abbey was a quick unplanned stop and I would have liked to have spent more time there.

- Sheep
Sheep are cute and everywhere. Sheep shit is not so cute and everywhere.

- Tonight we dine in Hell!
Dinner turned out to be much more formal than we are used to and we were forced to make small talk with some of the most annoying people on the planet. I figured the first night would a little fancy to celebrate the beginning of the trip, but no, every night was a formal affair and I sort of shot my wad with my best outfit that first night. We found that if we were late to dinner we had no choice but to sit in the last two available seats and chat with people we could care less about, and I am sure the feeling was mutual.

One evening we dined with a couple I started to refer to as "The Howell's" and while the wife was okay, the husband was a total snob. He did not use his mouth when he spoke and owned quite a few pink sweaters... more than a straight man should, especially one who is actively against gay rights. At one point during the meal the wife asked if we were members of a congregation in Massachusetts and we both paused in our eating, say NO rather flatly and then continued eating. She quickly changed the subject. We made an effort to sit with Ron's parent's whenever possible after that night.

Another evening we were talking with a couple... I forget who because they all started to blend in after a while, and we were discussing my photography and going to school. Someone asked what I was planning to do with it once I graduated and I smiled and gave him my usual answer along the lines of "as long as it allows me to quit my current job I don't really care" and he said "So it's a hobby then?" I told him no and it was hopefully going to be a career changed but he still didn't seem to get it. And everyone seemed perplexed by our lack of children and I wasn't about to offer any explanations in that quarter.

- Food & Lodging
As I have mentioned before the food was awful. Okay, maybe it was just too high-class for the likes of us. It got to the point where all I wanted was a french fry... just one french fry. We stocked up on muffins, soda and candy bars the first chance we got. Walnuts and shellfish were everywhere on the menu's and what little I could eat I didn't like. I was open minded at first and willing ot try new things, but all I succeeded in doing was confirming that I don't like fish no matter how much bacon you wrap it in. We had to fill out forms stating food allergies and bed requests, both of which went ignored. The first hotel was quick to remedy the bed situation, bu thte second was not able to. I finally pulled our tour guide aside and told her I would like to sleep WITH my husband, not next to him on a twin bed and she called ahead to the rest of the hotels to remedy this situation.

- On the bus, off the bus
One of the more annoying aspects of this trip, and one in which Kenny had warned us, would be alot of jumping off the bus, snap the picture and get back on the bus kind of stuff. The stops were often so short that you could take a few photos, use the bathroom, visit the giftshop or see the exhibit in the visitor center (for a fee) but not all of these activities. I got really good at finding the postcard rack really fast for the cheap souvenir in case the photo I shot didn't come out or had people in it. Apparently I didn't used the bathroom much, which will be explained later. One of these quickie stops was at Glencoe where I learned from a handsome gentleman in a kilt that Boston in Scot's Gaelic translates to "Land of The Beans." Ron's mom was having a hard tim with the stairs on the bus and started becoming selective as to when she got on and off. After a while she just stayed on the bus most of the time.

- Floors Castle and Mellerstain House
Floors was our first manor house stop, and should have been the only one. I admit people are interested in how "their betters" live or have lived, but did we really need to see more than one big fancy house? Can we see a true castle in the fortified sense please?

- Sickness on the bus
Poor Harriet the tour guide had a terrible cough during the whole trip. After a couple of days we noticed this cough was creeping it's way up towards the back of the bus making me very glad we decided to sit in the very back where the emergency exit, thus more legroom, can be found. Unfortunately Ron has managed to catch this plague, but it nothing compared to the stomach flu everyone else seems to have had. Ron's poor mom was a victim of this particular plague. I myself was relatively unscathed by these plagues of a contagious nature, but I had my own problems which will be explained later.

- Sir Walter Scott and Abbotsford
Sir Walter Scott built this amazing little house he called Abbottsford in the country which is now open to the public. actually it's not so little, but after seeing Floors Castle it's tiny. It was one of the few places where I was allowed to take photos inside and I loved it. the tour guide was an older and very animated gentleman who really got into explaining things. It's amazing how a good guide can make all the difference.

- Stirling Castle
At last! A CASTLE! A REAL CASTLE! I was not having a good day at Stirling Castle. By now I was getting tired of the quick and dirty stops and was reluctant to go in and fall in love with a place I wouldn't be able to spend more than an hour in. My emotions were a tad frayed by now and food, motion sickness, lack of sleep and pretending to be nice to a busload of twats was beginning to take it's toll and I had a minor meltdown before going into Stirling Castle. I managed to pull my shit together and go in and have a lovely time exploring until...

- DICK, the most aptly named person on the planet
OHMYGOD was this guy a jerk. He was short too, which only added to his nastiness. He was even mean to his wife. I referred to him as the "wretched little man" for most of the trip and even Ron's mother shockingly agreed that Dick was an appropriate name for him. We were a little late getting back to the bus due to a bathroom stop and gift shop stop at Stirling Castle and as we were heading back to the bus I stopped to take a quick picture of the Robert the Bruce statue outside of it. Paul the bus driver whistled at us to hurry and I waved the I was coming and Ron starting walking towards the bus. Then out storms little Dick with his stupid hat and tourist vest and screams at me that I "was 12 minutes late and I had no right to stop and take more pictures and that I owed the group and apology" He said more but by then Ron was yelling back at him and I was telling him to relax, but he followed right on up behind us and continued yelling at us as we entered the bus about demanding an apology and "let's hear it" as if we were 12 years old. Needless to say he didn't get it. I was so mad and frayed by this point all I could do was cry. I didn't speak to him again for the rest of the trip. We stopped in some village after this for lunch where we wandered off alone to have a drink and some real food. We found a pub with burgers and fries! And good company! Hallelujah!

- Oban
Oban is a quaint looking, slightly touristy, seaside village that looked like a nice place to spend a day. Too bad we didn't stop there.

- What's That Noise?
We stayed at The Loch Melfort Hotel which bills itself as the "finest location on the west coast". This is wrong. The walls are paper thin and you can hear conversations on either side of your room through them and the person on our left snored like a train all night long. The only thing this hotel had going for it was the food, which while still too rich for us was a little more to our taste. It was probably a good thing we had twin beds here or the whole place would likely have heard us having sex if we had slept together.

- Iona
Our one perfect day was spent at Iona. The weather was perfect, we ate well and we got time alone. The hotel supplied us with breakfast sandwiches of soft rolls with meat & butter on them. I have no idea what kind of meat, but it wasn't fish and that's all that mattered. When the bucket of sandwhiches and fruit made it's way to the back of the bus I filled my purse with sandwiches for lunch. We visited the abbey there which is still active, and then we climbed a "dun" which is a hill and this gave us a wonderful view of the whole island. To get there you first have to take a ferry to the island of Mull, then drive along a one lane road and get on another ferry. When I say one lane road I don't mean one lane in each direction, I mean one lane with "passing places". Passing places are little spots to pull over and let another vehicle pass. Whoever is closest to the passing place pulls over, but when you are a bus, the bus wins almost every time.

- Isle of Skye
So were on the beautiful, magical Isle of Skye and the first thing we do on the island is take a tour of the Talisker Distillery. Unfortunately this and the view out the bus window were all we really saw of this wonderous place because this is where my intestines decided to rebel in full. You see, when I go on vacation I sometimes, okay often, have a little problem with my um, plumbing. For some reason I don't shit (much) on vacation. I know, I know... too much information, but it's important to the story. By this point we are 8 days into the vacation. You do the math. I did not feel well and we were both at maximum crankiness so we stayed in our room the whole day. On the bright side, we missed "worship in the hotel library" but on the downside we missed visiting Dunvegan Castle, which I would have liked to have seen, but apparently it was another no photos allowed place. So I slept all day and felt awful and Ron watched shitty telly all day. I did not have my "Vermont Gas Station" moment until a few days later. If you buy me a drink I will tell you the Vermont Gas Station Story.

- Where's Nessie?
We made a brief stop at the Loch Ness Visitors Center for lunch and shopping. They actually had a nice kilt department... one of the best we saw anywhere. We did not see Nessie.

- Culloden
We made a stop at Culloden that lasted a whole 20 minutes. This is one place I wished we could have spent longer at, and not because they had a better than average gift shop. We also saw a bookmobile in their parking lot.

- The Caledonian
Our first super fancy hotel of the trip. Sure the others were fancy, but this one was SUPER fancy. It had a bidet. Any place that Sean Connery has stayed in and you can wash your ass in seems pretty fancy to me. Yes, I played with the bidet.

- Edinburgh
Once in Edinburgh we are on our own for dinner. We eat at a place called Wannaburger. You betcha we WANNABURGER! and FRENCH FRIES!!! After dinner me and Ron walk around a bit but almost everything is closed and we are tired. We figure we have the next afternoon off from the bus and we can explore then so we go back to our hotel and go to bed. Unfortunately the next morning is when we hear the bad news about Ron's grandmother and even though we have decided to plow though the last days of the trip, our hearts are no longer in it.

- Holyrood Palace
Official Royal residence in Scotland, not to be confused with Balmoral Castle which is privately owned by the Royal Family for vacationing. Pretty. Nice. Wish we could have stayed longer.

- Scottish Parliament
We visited the new Scottish Parliament building which I though was very cool. The others in the group did not like the buildings modern design, but I thought it rather unique and interesting looking.

- Where's My Tripod?
So we get back to the bus only to discover that my tripod is missing. Actually the entire bus was missing. It seems there was some sort of malfunction with the bus and the driver had called to have a new bus sent in it's place. He grabbed everyones jackets, umbrellas and belongings and transferred them to the new bus. Except my tripod. Under any other circumstances I would be annoyed, but by now I was downright pissed off. The driver (not Paul... he had the day off) called in to HQ to have someone locate it while I fumed. We headed up to Edinburgh Castle but like I said our hearts weren't in it. And it started to pour out. So we waited for someone from the bus company to return my tripod and went back to the hotel with Ron's parents. We did not see Edinburgh Castle or the Royal Mile, but it's on our to do list the next time we visit. I had another mental meltdown this night because of everything that had gone wrong and the fact that all of htese beautiful places were so tantalizingly close yet we didn't have the heart or the energy to go exploring. We were reluctant to leaves Ron's parents alone and frankly at this point we just wanted to go home.

- Rosslyn Chapel
Oh goodie! Another religious building, only this one was made famous by the book The DaVinci Code. Whoopee. I'll admit the carvings were beautiful, but the chapel was FULL of people and hard to photograph. I snuck around while the guide was talking to avoid bumping into folks and that seemed to work out well. On our way out of here Ron's mom decides to avail herself of the restroom on the bus and sticks her head out because she can't figure out how to flush it. I can't remember how to flush it and I stand up to help her with it when the bus comes to a sudden stop because a car has cut it off suddenly. I go flying through the air and manage to catch myself on some seats before flying the length of the bus and Ron's mom whacks the side of her head and ear in the doorjam of the loo. No one was seriously hurt, but it was just another annoying thing on the growing list of annoying things.

- Postcards
Everywhere we went I hid postcards addressed to ourselves for people to find with postage already on them. I hid 13 total and when we got home home we had one waiting for us. We just got another one in the mail today. This makes for some unusual souvenirs with notes from strangers on them.

So in conclusion we have decided that organized bus tours are not our cup of tea. We prefer the flexiblity of more loosely planned travel and the company of our choosing. Ron's mother summed it up quite well by saying "Imagine you are a pigeon flying over the countryside, pooping everywhere. Wherever you poop the most is where you want to come back to." We are glad to be home and hope to have things return to relative normalcy soon.

See, I knew we would stories to tell after all of this. And pictures... pictures will be up as soon as possible... but I'm not rushing it. I have other stuff to catch up on first so y'all are going to have to wait.