Notes from The Oscars!

Ah, The Oscars...
Yet another fantastic event in the masturbatory, self congratulation that is the entertainment industry. As much as it sickens me I find myself fascinated and watch the damn thing almost every year. We watched it at Cal & Kara's house with Kara's brother and an old friend we haven't seen in a long time, Dean. I didn't know that Cal knew Dean, but then I shouldn't be surprised because it is well established just how damn small my world is.

Out of 24 categories I got 8 correct, which is pretty dam good considering the only movies I saw in the theatre last year were The Prestige, Jet Li's Fearless and That new Pirate flick everyone was talking about for so long. If you haven't seen The Prestige go rent it... it was quite good.

During the pre-show I had the assistance of 5 year old Josie and 7 year old Gwen to help me critique a few of the gowns. Here are some of their remarks:

- Neither girl thinks Leonardo DiCaprio is cute. I must agree.
- 5 and 7 year olds agree, Emily Blunt looks pretty in blue. Sadly, I have no idea who she is.
- Josie LOVED Penelope Cruz's dress. I think your attire should NOT match your skin tone.
- They also agreed on Jada Pinkett Smiths orange number because orange is nice.
- Cameron Diaz's dress gets a mere "Good" from Josie. I think she looks like she's wearing an envelope. Gwen agrees.
- Cate Blanchett's dress gets a good as well because it has sparkles.
- Gwen says Kate Winslet's dress is a nice color but Josie doesn't like it. I believe that color is the bane of many a bridesmaid. Gwen also thinks she looks like me. I'm flattered, but I don't think so. I'm usually compared to Nicole Kidman, which I also think is a LONG SHOT, and who seems to be wasting away before our very eyes.
- Both girls LOVE Helen Mirren's dress with an enthusiasm only girls that young can have. It has "good sparkles". When asked how old they think she is Josie say's "15!" and I tell Gwen that "I am almost 35 and Helen is older than me so how old do you think she is?" Gwen says "32!" Thanks kid.

In other notes I had no idea Ellen DeGeneres was hosting. NONE. I don't know how I missed that bit of news. Here I thought I was well informed on the ins and outs of pop culture and I totally missed that one. Dean said she looks like she's wearing Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka costume.

We all marvelled at the fact that Randy Newman isn't dead yet. Is it me or does he seem to write the same song again and again? Ron said that Melissa Etheridge looks like she stole Cobra Commanders coat.

Jennifer Hudson was originally wearing something more costume-like because Ron said that "she looked like she was from Flash Gordon." and Dean responded "Yeah, she's Bling the Merciless!" I didn't know she was an American Idol reject... again I thought I was well versed in these matters, but then I don't watch that piece of shit show. From reject to Oscar winner... Way to go! Now take that Oscar and shove it up Simon's ass!

Gwyneth Paltrow always looks bad. ALWAYS. This year she looks as though something is radiating from her navel. I can only sit and stare at the radiating navel as though hypnotized. Gwyneth, you are my master... you are beautiful, I love you Gwyneth... oh, wait, where was I? *shudders* Someone ought to tell everyone in Hollywood that unless you are a drag queen, feathers are a bad idea.

And what is up with Phillip Seymour Hoffman's hair? Didn't his mother teach him anything? Like when there is a billion+ people watching you perhaps you should comb your damn hair? YUCK. He's icky in so many ways and that just took the ick factor up a few notches.

Overall there were no real surprises... I knew Helen Mirren was going to win and that Kate Winslet would not despite her 4 previous nominations. Patience my dear, your day is coming and will be sweeter for the wait. It's good to see Martin Scorsese finally win one though... maybe now he can retire. Or die. I called Forest Whitaker too, though I didn't think he stood a chance against Peter O'Toole. I figured O'Toole would have gotten the old-guy sympathy vote, but I am very glad it was Forest Whitaker. I wonder if he and Helen Mirren's had any Caligula reminscing at the after party? I wish Pans Labyrinth won best foreign language film, but it did not. What a beautiful movie.